"And I Present....

Most Likely To Be Eaten By A Whale....

To:

Shelby Frampton!"

WHAT?!

What?

Ya. I have no clue what that's supposed to mean.

At the Senior Dinner Dance last night, out of the 700 seniors at Lone Peak High School, the fifteen or so awards given, "Most Likely To Be Eaten By A Whale" just had to be one of them. And it had to be presented to me.

Even though I am secretly happy just by the fact I got any sort of award at all, I'm still in confusion.

One explanation I received:

"Whales eat seals. They must mean you look like a seal."

Another:

"Maybe it's because you are lying and deceitful and don't follow God's will like Jonah. He was eaten by a whale."

(Ouch)

And a third:

"It's cause you always have such CRAZY stories to tell to people!"



I think I will go with the latter. What do you think?

Then I got slightly worried. Since, you know, it was supposed to be the end of the world tomorrow. Maybe it wasn't the end of the entire world. But it could have been the end of MY world. Eaten by a whale?! Yes. I probably would have died. And that would have the end of me. The end of my blog too. So be grateful. Although, being eaten by a whale would be a sweet death story...

No worries. I survived.

So did everyone else.

Sorry if you wasted money of outlandish things or got injured doing something crazy before "the end of the world". But good for those who repented! Don't procrastinate!

I'm alive.

Confused.

Mildy pleased.

And REALLY hoping people don't think I look like a seal.

My Middle Name Is Certainly NOT Grace.

I am not graceful. Whenever I accidently don't sit in my chair but sit on air instead, or my ankle is almost broken by my incorrect heel-usage, or I fall down a mountain and land on a tree, or I try to move my chair like a train but it snags the carpet and I do a half circle through the air and get stuck in between my desk and the floor, or when I am laughing SOOOOO hard that I get all sweaty and have to pee and I run out of the classroom, etc. When these things happen, I laugh jovially and with a charming smile I look up at the person closest to me, flip my hair and tell them in a sultry voice "My middle name is grace, you know?" And I almost wink. But I don't.

This is a defensive mechanism.

My middle name is not Grace. It's Alyse.

Also, I am not saying this because I actually believe I am in any way graceful.

It's a defense mechanism. (Something to do with saying the exact opposite of what you really mean.)

This realization was confirmed Saturday. I can go a couple months convincing myself that I can be lovely and eloquent; then moments come along that....DESTROY ALL LADY-LIKE PROGRESS.

And now I present: One of Shelby's completely ridiculous embaressing stories that happen frequently, but bring much joy and laughter to all who occupy the same relative space.

Once upon a time, Hannah and I play this game called Iron Chef. It's wonderful. Saturday morning we had this completely charming new friend of mine come and play with us! Secret Ingredient: Bananas. After battling for the banana cream pudding in the closet and throwing flour on each others backs, I pulled through and won. Woo! We then decided to sit on the sun-kissed roof and discussed Dumbledore taking the light out of the lamp post across the street with his Deluminator. It was perfect time of day to frolick through a meadow. So, in the sunset we skipped and laughed in a meadow. With some daisies. Then we pet a llama and it almost kissed my friend. We traveled to the top of the valley and let the cool breeze blow through our hair.

Everything was going swimmingly. I felt pretty. I felt smart. I felt witty. We went on adventures. It was sunny and blue. What could go wrong right?

We are then cordially invited to a SUMMER/GRADUATION BASH! We decide to drop by. Fashionably late, of course. This is where we went wrong.

At first things are fine. We played some soccer and jumped on the tramp. Then the hostess pulls together a game of Wiffle Ball. (Baseball with one of those plastic holey red balls and a really small field). Progressively through the day my digestive system is working, as digestive systems do, and in the middle of the game I realize I REALLY have to go to the bathroom. So I wait for the teams to switch from being up to bat to playing the field. This time arrives and I tell everyone to wait for just a minute as I quickly relieve myself. As I am in a wonderful mood, I don't want to keep people waiting, and I am slightly distracted; I RUN up the porch stairs and through the open door into the house.

In reality, that doorway had two doors. One was open. One was a screen.

SMACK.

That is the noise created when I ran, RAN, into the screen door.

RIP.

That is the noise of the screen door ripping in half because the force of my weight plus the momentum of my body was too much to handle.

Eeeeeeeerggggphm.

That is the noise of me falling onto the floor in the middle of the kitchen with the hostess' family waiting inside.

HAHAHAHA.

That is the noise of everyone laughing at me.



...At least I didn't pee my pants.



I begged for forgiveness.

Cried laughing for a while.



Then fell into a thorn bush and ripped a bleeding gash into my leg.





My middle name is NOT Grace.

Creepinest Creepin' Internet Creepers

You know those times when you know something, but you don't really care, then one day...your belief perseverance, ignorance about life, and intentional blindness of creepy people BLOWS UP IN YOUR FACE?!

I mean, I've always known the internet was public.

Duh.

I'm writing a blog for goodness sake. Yes, I too participate in the new (old) social network of facebook. It's got it's pros right?

And yes, I admit, I completely facebook stalk and blog stalk my friends and sometimes complete strangers. Look to your right for evidence.

So, I confess, I can be a creeper. But it's all done with good intentions and love and people put up there stuff for a reason and I suppose that reason is so I can stalk them.


Today I realized people cross the line of creepin'.

I walk into school, excited about the prospects of the day. After all, it was my first AP test! And I SLAMMED it. I even had forty minutes to sleep after I finished the test before they would let me leave! So it was all good and exciting.

As I am walking through the halls during a lunch an acquaintance stops me and tell me how absolutely gorgeous my picture is in the school newspaper. This is a little confusing to me because I never recalled having my picture taken....especially not an "absolutely gorgeous" one. I tried to question her. But she had places to be and people to see so I didn't get any info. Immediately, I begin my search for the paper.

What is the school being exposed to? Should I be worried? Is it really an "absolutely gorgeous" picture of me? Where in the world would they FIND one of those? No one ASKED me if they could put my picture in the paper.


I find it.

A rack full.

I'M ON THE STINKIN' FRONT PAGE.

The papers gently slide down the rack as a pull for one revealing 30 different pictures of my face smiling up at me in the most unnerving way possible.

But the worst part. The most horrifying thing.

It's not just me in the picture...

Yes. That's Christian. And yes. That's MY prom pictures. Not the schools. Not even Christian's. MINE. MINE MINE MINE. I didn't sign any sort of consent form. I didn't give any permission for MY prom pictures to be taken off facebook and used in the school newspaper. CHRISTIAN DOESN'T EVEN GO TO LONE PEAK!? What is this.

So then I was determined to figure out who was responsible. Obviously, it must be one of my good friends who knew I wouldn't mind to have my picture in the paper and was running out of time for a deadline and couldn't find me to ask me about it.

Nope.

Someone I don't even know.

Talk about creepin'.

That's not the only picture either. It reappears in the middle of the paper!

I Spy: Shelby and Christian at Prom 

Couldn't find it? Here:

Part of me is entertained. Part of me is slightly violated. And part of me is embarrassed.

But mostly, I am totally creeped out.

Maybe I will get rid of my facebook.

Or maybe I will stop writing on my blog.

But....oh that would be such a shame!

So I say this creeper and I reach a compromise. I'll be careful about the things I say and post (I thought I already was.....but security has INCREASED) and you, creeper, will not take my pictures and put them in the school newspaper without my permission.

Deal?

Thank you.

A Day and a Birthday! (09)

Day 09: A moment

A Birthday:

Dearest Sister,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (yesterday...)
I love you so much.
You are an example to me :)
You are beautiful and kind to everyone and a hard-worker and patient and dedicated to everything you love. Thats just a couple things.
I hope you had the greatest day EVER!

Ya! We are STRONG. Heartache, to heartache we stand.

We are so attractive! Must be sisters.

And...I hope you wear that shower cap I gave you for Christmas.

We're on a horse. Hee-yaw!

HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Love,
Your Sis,
Shelby



A Day:

I had a moment today.

It was in chamber.

Watch this:



Johannes Brahms "Brauner Bursche furt zum tanze"

Beautiful piece, yes?

Well I am really excited to sing it and his "Komnit dir manchmal" in Carnegie Hall in...1 MONTH! WOOOOO!

But that is besides the point.

My real moment today was Ms. J giving us "inspiration" for this song.

We had sung it a couple times and I guess we just didn't have the right...zest. Or enthusiasm, perhaps?

So Ms. J stands up at the piano bench and says we should sing it as if we were saying "COME ON AND LOVE ME, BABY!" (a slight shimmy included). No joke. She yelled those words EXACTLY. I even wrote them down they were so funny. It was so...boisterous: I think the whole school might have heard...

It was priceless.

Not to mention engraved into my brain for time and eternity.

The End.

P.S. Searching for that video was equally hilarious just imagining Ms. J dancing around and singing the piece with HER expression and their crazy, silky, bright, gypsy dresses! Oh, the joy.


Day 09: COMPLETED

A Shelby Story

Once upon a time there was a beautiful baby girl. Born with moonlight on her golden hair she was the jewel of her parents' eyes. They placed the name Shelby Alyse Frampton upon her. Her childhood was spent in laughter. Skipping through flowery meadows and playing with her plethora of stuffed animals. She soon blossomed into a young lady. Some called her ordinary, others: strange. But she loved life. She loved her family. She loved her friends. She loved herself. And that's what really matters.

She also loved food.

Suddenly, a terrifying monster came and stole her away and locked her up in the tallest tower on the tallest mountain where she could never live the same again. This monster was called Unknown-hidden-hated-allergies. He was ugly. Big. HUMONGOUS. He stole away people's food so they could never eat and always be hungry. He starved children. Killed them even. All because of his jealousy that he didn't have parents and friends that loved him. But, he was especially jealous of Shelby. No one really knows why. And on one COMPLETELY RANDOM DAY he decided to pick on her worst of all. Worse than all the others he terrorized and tortured.

He took away her blood.

Made her pass out.

She went into a fit of hysterics.

She couldn't stop crying for hours.

She was traumatized.

She waited. And waited. And waited.

Finally:               he came back.

Bringing her blood with him, he punished her with his all-grand-and-shocking punishment. She was allergic to Gluten, milk, and eggs.

Shelby cried in despair "How shall I eat!? There is nothing in this world made without gluten, milk, or eggs! I shall surely starve and die and Unknown-hidden-hated-allergies will have his wish!". But... Shelby was a strong girl. She was determined. She couldn't let the monster win!

So. For months and months she ate Gluten. She ate milk! She. Ate. EGGS! She struggled. She fought. And she did conquer. Until...

She discovered this disease runs in her family!
It attacks internal organs. It is dangerous.

The Unknown-hidden-hated-allergies won again. He wouldn't give up. He was a worthy opponent. He was so strong, so powerful, so EVIL...

That Shelby starved and died.


THE END